What a train wreck the first few weeks of August have been. I have been working through so many different feelings as I made my decision to give up on my goal of completing a half marathon. Two years ago when I set the goal, I was so excited, so committed, and couldn’t wait for to cross that finish line.
All that I have done to ensure my success in achieving that goal will never be enough. When I set the goal, I knew that I would have two obstacles that may stop me in my tracks. The first was my knee which has an ACL tear that I did not have repaired when the injury occurred many years ago. Amazingly, all the extra training has made my knee stronger than it ever has been. The first obstacle was overcome and things were moving along smoothly. I may have even started tasting the finish line at that point.
I struggled a bit with obstacle two but thought that I had found solutions for that as well. That was until I completed my runs that were longer than 12 KM. Everything crashed quickly! I have a tiny body, always have. Many would think that this is a blessing but it comes with its costs. I have no reserve for when I get sick, when I was pregnant and now when I’m running the longer distances. I have chatted with dietitians and doctors over the years, this is just who I am and I can’t change it.
It took days to recover from my last run. Literally DAYS before I could stay awake longer than a few hours at a time, before my stomach would accept a normal meal and my head stopped pounding. I was still a sloth a week later and my attempts at running were…beyond difficult. I was showing all signs of over training even though I had been following a beginner training program. Now, three weeks after the 16 KM run, I am starting to feel normal again and I just want to run again to enjoy it.
I can’t run a half marathon.
I accepted it…then I didn’t.
I got angry, frustrated, was disappointed, was afraid to be letting others down and disappointing my family. I was really heart broken as I have been working towards this one goal for nearly two years.
The hardest thing to work through is what lessons my children will learn from this. I want them to see a Mom that never gives up…but she has. I want them to know that anything is possible…but it isn’t. I want them to know that if you put your mind to a task, you can achieve anything….but I’m not. I hope that they see that I tried EVERYTHING, worked my butt off and lived by the words, “NO EXCUSES” for nearly two years.
I also want them to see that personal health is so valuable and nothing should ever be more important then taking care of ourselves inside and out. I want them to see that sometimes life will knock ya down but strength comes from knowing that you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and figure out what is the next BEST step. I want them to see that I am choosing JOY over status accomplishments. To know that when you loose focus of what is important, it’s ok admit that you let things get out of hand and come back to what’s important.
As of this week, I have switched my registration for Maritime Race Weekend and will now be completing the 5 and 10 KM Tartan Twosome. Let’s be real honest, that was super hard to do and totally sucked but I feel so relieved to no longer be struggling to prepare for the half.
I hope that all this occurred early enough that my heart has time to heal and I am able to enjoy Maritime Race Weekend. I usually look forward to this event every year and have the best time. I hope this year is no different.
My brilliant husband reminded me that I use the handle, RUNNING FOUR LOVE, for a reason. I use to run for the love of it and run to be the healthiest Mom I can be to our four beautiful children. It’s time to hit the reset button and run for peace, joy and of course…love.
Happy Running & Namaste