It has been a little over a week since the Blue Nose and I am just settling now. Seriously? What’s up with that?
It really should have been a “no big deal” race for me. I had trained well, I was super excited to be racing again, it would be my third 10 km distance and second at the Blue Nose. No big surprises that weekend as the weather was cooperating and all was good. Then why the heck did everything fall apart the evening before the race?
Good flipping question, I say! I was totally not prepared for the overwhelming doubt and uncertainty about EVERY. LITTLE. THING. that flooded over me. I was literally terrified to hurt myself again. Last Blue Nose was the beginning of the end for me. A diagnosis of a stress fracture shortly after the race meant that I spent the summer in a boot recovering. No running, no fun afternoons on adventures with my kiddos, no first half marathon in the fall. My not running all summer also started my downward spiral into depression again, as I use exercise as my main treatment. I wasn’t fully recovered physically and mentally until February of this year! So much precious time, experiences and healthy living lost.
I was overwhelmed by fear of screwing up again. This season is a redo of last season’s failed plan. Blue Nose was the first misstep. I couldn’t afford to do it again. I was terrified of loosing so much again and I believe I was finally processing all I had lost the year before. It was all too much and my little head was swirling.
Getting to that starting line was….a lot. Crossing that finish line in a time faster than I planned was overwhelming. I was so proud of myself and then instantly terrified again. Did I push too far again? Did I just screw up this summer again? I knew I hadn’t – but this negative, fearful inner dialogue just wouldn’t let well enough alone.
I have started training again and am now over analyzing every little bit of possible soreness anywhere in my body. So is this what an injury does? Takes away a runner’s confidence and trust in their smart training? How long does this last? How do I get back my strong, confident, I-got-this attitude? I hope it is really soon!